missunderstood.

i feel that every chance i can get i would like to explain myself, at least when i understand my own actions. i feel that with proper communication and balance, anything is achievable. yes?? am i wrong?? it's just my hypothesis. it could be bullshit. but, to just have a good time, sit back, relax, and know that you're gonna be okay is one of the hardest things for people to do nowadays. they all need some mental aid. they all need to alleviate that stress somehow. the question is; is your way healthy?? is it productive or unproductive?? adaptive or maladaptive?? of course i care. of course i want you in my life. more than i'll ever show, ever. that's just the way i am. but, it's fact. i know more of you than people can say, and i understand you as well as you've let me. you must know this as a fact. if not, i need to work on that. because people are more important than anything else in this world. that's a truth i've been suppressing. it's going against my heart, and it's hurting me. and hurting you. it's just another task to undertake. lets get started.

c.

there's no formula.

yeah, i'm kind of the queen of 'alone time'. i feel very "me" when it's just me, and i guess that's the way it's always gonna be. i know a lot of things, even though i haven't done all of them. i know things have their own season, and this seems to be the season of 'this is kinda starting to suck'. i'm just starting to see that these things aren't really 'me'. my heart has betrayed me so many times, and i wish this wasn't one of those times. timing just sucks. sucks freakin balls. but maybe the roller coaster is finally coming to a stop. maybe reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. i keep saying i've come a long way, but really, how far have i come?? yeah, i've gone through some shit, but have i changed my actions, my decision-making skills?? or have i just felt and seen and scared myself into a corner?? cuz that's what i'm starting to feel like. scared into a little corner all by myself, walking away from the big risks. once again. sitting in my goddamn box. alone. but 'okay'. am i letting go of something awesome, or something fake?? this whole fucking thing is a joke, and i'm sick of it!!!!

or maybe this is just a bad week. again. good and bad, up and down. can i get a balance??

but honey, remember how bored you are with balance?? with repetition??
fuck. what. the. fuck. UGH!!

things are good. things are bad.

i eat a box of chocolates. my body is euphoric.
i take a multi vitamin. i toss my organs all around the room out my mouth. or, feel like doing so.

it's not necessarily the time that counts - it's the effort. it's the mind. it's that power.
you get out of it what you put into it. sometimes you run out of fuel. sometimes you know what you want and you just have to force yourself to get it, because it's worth the delayed gratification. i haven't even gone a week with that effort put in, and i'm already out of fuel.
you are what you repeatedly do. what do i want to repeatedly do??

health
intelligence
love
creativity
independence

abstinence
discipline
denial of self
suppress influences
responsibility

give and take. it must be worth it. it must be. just to get there would make me proud.

NEVER forget this.

a HUGE epitomy I had today. something that I will forever thank God and my parents for. The way to freakin raise your children is, when something comes up, even the tiniest issue, when it's time for a punishment or an explanation, explain ALL sides, don't blame the child, don't point the finger, make sure everyone's viewpoint is addressed, make sure everyone understands the situation and everything is told in a fair and just manner. I believe this is one of the biggest shapers of my whole outlook on life. this is one of those 'somethings' that i will never, ever, ever forget about, something that has catapulted me into being the person I am today, a person I'm proud of being. this is SUCH an important idea, such an important, yet simple and easy to apply task. calmly address every point, every angle, explain why the punishment or issue is being brought up, brought out, or addressed, and cut the problem off at the root, don't just discourage the effect of the cause. figure it out. solve it. put effort in. put love in. do it like you fuckin mean it. like it's the way it's supposed to be. like you really care.

i love you, mom and dad. thank you for creating an independent-thinking person, not just making me cuz you were bored and needed something to talk about or fill a void. i hope i make you proud. i hope i do you justice.
i will never be able to repay them. they love me more than anyone else will ever be able to. and i'm so proud of them. i hope they know how beautiful they are... and how beautiful you are, too.

wow. it's, umm, chilling.

someone you spent a very large portion of your life with finally catches back up with you. you see a startling pattern showing through your actions, your choices, the people you connect with, associate with, desire to be around. do we all have addictive personalities?? do we all have some sort of obsession, some sort of serious, crippling, life-sucking wrench on our backs?? it's scary for me to believe that it's just people, that it's just how we are. self-destruct in t-minus five years. pray to GOD that it's not going to be that way. this person that i loved is still out there, but they aren't living. it makes me shrivel inside thinking about them, seeing what is left, what they've become in a few years time. what do i have to do to stay above the depths?? it feels like all i see is people struggling to tread water. but that's not how it is, is it?? pray to GOD i won't end up like them. pray to GOD i keep my heart on lock. i've already done plenty of things to myself i wish upon no one to have to go through. and i'm scared it's happening again, because i got bored with the lack of intensity that characterized my monotonous life. i'm praying i didn't fuck up, this one last time. please, GOD, let me be one of the lucky ones. help me get out of this intact. help me. help him. help them. help us.

i feel new; the old new

i remember this feeling, resembling when my head was all mine, not full to the brim of another.
it's freeing, independence, confidence in my own tactile sensations.
the old can feel fresh and clean again.
fine, light, above and surpassing.
like a whisp
like the transparent fingers of angels tossing my hair around in the last few minutes of falling sunlight.

c.

skip to my lou

it's been a little while.

*blip*
*ripp*

that's the end!!
yeah, i'm pretty proud of myself. i got out of it alive and kicking. and made the decision myself. it could only work with someone as good as him. but, that's how it should be. we'll see what happens in the future.

i've been culturally drained now that i am financially drained. i kind of like it though, it makes me more socially available. yet, it is going to be hell come the end of this month. i'm almost at a two on my ears. i have to buy some incredible tunnels. sixty dollars. worth it?? yes.

i'm about to borrow from my pharmacy. ready??

i forgot to remind you
when you told me to.
sorry
i tried to forget that you care

i felt your soft kisses
that couldn't be faked.
so sweet
you caught me just so unaware




------

"Now for the evidence," said the King, "and then the sentence."
"No!" said the Queen, "first the sentence, and then the evidence!"
"Nonsense!" cried Alice, so loudly that everybody jumped, "the idea of having the sentence first!"

c.