shoot me now!!!

i want to do a night shoot SOOO bad!!

just like this.

when the nights get hott, the owls have all the fun.

pee you see.

it's eighty five deeegreeees out.

and it will ALWAYS be impossible for me to get a damn tan. i feel so left out :(

mmmid terms, not super excited. at all.

what am i excited for??
A JOB!!!!
or maybe getting paid for my work. oh gee, wouldn't that be a novel idea?!?!

bicuspid, WE MEET AGAIN!!!

.c

insight and happiness - separate equals. necessary to each other.

If our friend gave us the criticism we give ourselves, we'd kill 'em.

Many people have hated you. For no good reason at all. If you were to ask them, "What's your problem??" the extent of their reasoning could reach all the way to the color of your shirt. Or who you're sitting next to. Or how loud you laughed one time. And that's about it.
Many people have also loved you. For no good reason at all. There have been many times someone has done something selfless for you, and this action has been completely independent of the kind of person you are.
But in the end, what really makes the difference is how much we choose to take these opinions to heart.

Change must be painful. This is a fact of life. Snakes shed skin, people shed tears. This gives way to new methods of dealing with more complicated, more impactful events that are absolutely imminent. inevitable.

Pray for growth. I got through it. Through one step. Can you cultivate patience without hardship?? Absolutely not.

choosing vs reacting

i've been practicing the Goodwill Patterns yet again.
and my prayers saved my sanity.
that revelation came to me once again, the fact that it is possible to be passionate without letting your emotions control you.
it's actually morally wrong [if you're living by god's standards of morals] to let emotions dictate your action. jesus gave us that example. only the person who learns how to live above merely reacting to situations presented to him and make his own decisions based on his will and his wisdom will be able to love, grow, and mature. ONLY with prayer was i able to win that torrential battle between what i felt and what i knew.
there's something called anger, and then there's righeous fury. i really doubt most of us experience righteous fury more often than the first.
of course i know we do plenty of morally wrong things, and i'm by no means anywhere close to the 'pure and true model of righteousness'. i fuck up. we all do. i've finally given up being miserable and chosen to put away my mind-set of feeling terribly sorry for myself, though. being able to forgive, to tell yourself to concentrate on the good in another, this is christ-like. this isn't for the other person. you will stop feeling a compulsion to continually punish the other person, which will uproot that bitterness that's grown inside of you.

"I forgive you for whatever you may have done that caused me pain, intentionally or unintentionally, through your actions, through your words, even through your thoughts, through whatever you did. Through whatever you didn't do. However the pain came to me through you. I forgive you. I forgive you."

it's hard. it takes practice. every fuckin day. but it's for me. it's asking God to forgive me for not coming to Him first. it's asking him to help me forgive myself. it's cultivating a productive spirit instead of feeding sorrow and bitterness, which grows into undeserved anger and resentment. it's letting my heart be at peace. it's truly deciding to move past, move beyond, let down my guard, my walls, and gives me the peace and positivity to be able to love again.

i want to help fill your needs. i want to be an example. i want to 'take better care of my things'.

cuz i'm crazy for you.

c.

my, my, what a break

going all purist again is going to be taxing.

my break was pretty freakin sweet. did lots of things, saw lots of stuff, went to the mountain, played some yahtzee [just realized i've never been required to spell yahtzee before], got a virtual-reailty experience with Grid and my theater system, and got to wake up next to my boy almost every morning. p town missed me so much. i didn't get up to 23rd, but i feel like there's a certain required bank account balance to be able to spend an afternoon wandering the sidewalks there.

so, i have been pondering my future more than usual lately. i've started praying again. not in-depth, just casually. i feel that there's this back-and-forth higher-perspective dialogue missing in my life. after doing some reading and

*god, my teacher's voice is nasaly*

seeing family members (their expectations of me fall thick like a dark, long late-afternoon shadow. just their presence screams their opinions. synonymous) provokes very ominous, and very prevalent, fears of the future. i'm a leech on my parents. i have no choice. if i want to be successful i must prioritize, and i'm not willing to give up pleasures of relationships.

my insecurities have been trumped by my honesty. and the encouragement of those i love and adore have finally sunk in. or, i'm just overly exhausted by anxiety. i'm content, but i'm still doing these things for myself.

i would slit a throat for a fucking americano.

i need to be willing to follow my dreams. my mother said, "before you settle down, make sure you do all the things you want to do. you'll always regret it, otherwise." now i'm scared to. now i have something to lose. i've finally stopped running from shit storm after shit storm and i'm scared that the temporary migration will shatter what i've gained. yet....
i'm still bored. no, not taking this amazing location and these people i love for granted, no, just feeling pretty pointless and unimpactful. i hate the leech. yet i thrive off it. it's another addiction.

maybe i'm not sleep-deprived. maybe i'm just burned the fuck out. i don't know.
i've stopped wanting to be 'all of you' little girls. i'm happy being a woman. and have a feverish desire to cultivate that. it's completely necessary for this growth to continue, since this is what i'm all about, as a woman. i just want to SCREAM at the fact that i don't have enough time to work on my character. this bubble rusts my intellect. the mundane rots my higher inspiration. i want to go to church again. a great church. one better than the best i've ever been to. there's nothing like that that i've found. at GFox, you could talk to five different people and they'd be glad to tell you about a dozen different churches in the area that they've been to and give you directions to them and invite you to go with them to theirs on sunday. "umm, i go to PUC church sometimes to dress up..." that's about all you'll find here. it's so disappointing.
and at the same time, i want summer clothes!!
once again. my vice.
i wished to go to morocco. then i realized it was a muslim country and i would be treated worse than cattle. moo.
my tattoo will be inspired. :] i'm anxious!!