my, my, what a break

going all purist again is going to be taxing.

my break was pretty freakin sweet. did lots of things, saw lots of stuff, went to the mountain, played some yahtzee [just realized i've never been required to spell yahtzee before], got a virtual-reailty experience with Grid and my theater system, and got to wake up next to my boy almost every morning. p town missed me so much. i didn't get up to 23rd, but i feel like there's a certain required bank account balance to be able to spend an afternoon wandering the sidewalks there.

so, i have been pondering my future more than usual lately. i've started praying again. not in-depth, just casually. i feel that there's this back-and-forth higher-perspective dialogue missing in my life. after doing some reading and

*god, my teacher's voice is nasaly*

seeing family members (their expectations of me fall thick like a dark, long late-afternoon shadow. just their presence screams their opinions. synonymous) provokes very ominous, and very prevalent, fears of the future. i'm a leech on my parents. i have no choice. if i want to be successful i must prioritize, and i'm not willing to give up pleasures of relationships.

my insecurities have been trumped by my honesty. and the encouragement of those i love and adore have finally sunk in. or, i'm just overly exhausted by anxiety. i'm content, but i'm still doing these things for myself.

i would slit a throat for a fucking americano.

i need to be willing to follow my dreams. my mother said, "before you settle down, make sure you do all the things you want to do. you'll always regret it, otherwise." now i'm scared to. now i have something to lose. i've finally stopped running from shit storm after shit storm and i'm scared that the temporary migration will shatter what i've gained. yet....
i'm still bored. no, not taking this amazing location and these people i love for granted, no, just feeling pretty pointless and unimpactful. i hate the leech. yet i thrive off it. it's another addiction.

maybe i'm not sleep-deprived. maybe i'm just burned the fuck out. i don't know.
i've stopped wanting to be 'all of you' little girls. i'm happy being a woman. and have a feverish desire to cultivate that. it's completely necessary for this growth to continue, since this is what i'm all about, as a woman. i just want to SCREAM at the fact that i don't have enough time to work on my character. this bubble rusts my intellect. the mundane rots my higher inspiration. i want to go to church again. a great church. one better than the best i've ever been to. there's nothing like that that i've found. at GFox, you could talk to five different people and they'd be glad to tell you about a dozen different churches in the area that they've been to and give you directions to them and invite you to go with them to theirs on sunday. "umm, i go to PUC church sometimes to dress up..." that's about all you'll find here. it's so disappointing.
and at the same time, i want summer clothes!!
once again. my vice.
i wished to go to morocco. then i realized it was a muslim country and i would be treated worse than cattle. moo.
my tattoo will be inspired. :] i'm anxious!!